today I yelled at God. I told him I hated Him. And for a second, I meant it. Life is so cruel... Now I sit down to write, after an afternoon of crying and binge eating and kicking things and lying on my face before God and somehow trying to fit in studying for finals at the same time. Some things in life aren't fair. and I know bad things happen to good people, but why? Today I visited my old youth group leader, JoAnne. She's only about 50, but we had such a special relationship, and I had not seen her since we left the church when I was in 7th grade. I found out Wednesday that she had cancer all over her body. I found out Friday that she was home from the Hospital and in Hospice. Basically, she has three days to live. Three days. And i visited her today. We sat in silence most of the time and I held her hand. Once in a while she would be able to speak but then she would get really exhausted. It was so hard seeing her in so much pain. she couldn't even open her eyes or move her hands much.The vibrancy was gone, and she was ready to die. She wanted a chocolate milkshake and to be on the beach. She wanted to hear all about my life and what was new with me when all I wanted to do was cry. She said I was a light in her life and that I was to carry on the work for the Lord that she wasn't able to finish. I told her how much of a leader she had been to me. I told her that she was going to hear "Well done, my good and faithful servant" when she got to heaven. Joe said she would say hi to Hadi for me. When she was getting to tired to talk we sat in silence listening to the rain on the roof. We said our goodbyes. The last thing she said to me was, "Michelle, I'll be waiting for you in heaven." Then I sang her "I'll fly away." and we hummed it together. Some glad morning when this life is o'er,
I'll fly away;
To a home on God's celestial shore,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).
Chorus
I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).
When the shadows of this life have gone,
I'll fly away;
Like a bird from prison bars has flown,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away)
Just a few more weary days and then,
I'll fly away;
To a land where joy shall never end,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away)
Now with every death I experience my heart becomes harder and harder... I am no longer a child. Is God preparing me for something?
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